Why you don’t need to feel regret

Have we really failed if we don’t stick to our resolutions?

There’s a reason most of us don’t stick to our new year’s resolutions, and it usually has something to do with our high expectations. Generally speaking, when forming a resolution, we tend to aim high without really thinking about all the little steps it takes to get to our ultimate goal. Other times, life may get in the way and our resolutions just can’t be a priority.

Rachel Service, founder of Happiness Concierge, says that when we come to the conclusion that our resolutions aren’t sticking, we need to ask ourselves two questions. Are we feeling regret because we think we’ve failed others – because we aren’t living up to expectations? Or are we feeling regret because we’re disappointed in ourselves?

If we’re disappointed and frustrated with ourselves, then we need to gather the facts. Start paying attention to the narrative, says Rachel.

“What excuses and narratives are we making up about ourselves?” she says.

“Something I’ve done this year is kept a journal, and at the end of the day I’ve written down four things. What excited me today, what excuses I made for myself today, what I’m scared of, and what’s one thing I want to achieve tomorrow. After doing that for a week I could see a common thread.”

This will help you identify whether your obstacles are real – your work is demanding at the moment, so going that extra mile at the gym can’t be a priority – or whether your excuses don’t match up to reality. If you say you don’t have time to cook dinner but spend half an hour scrolling on Instagram in the evening, then that’s a narrative you need to re-write.

When attempting to identify the narrative, it can also be helpful to look at the type of language we’re using.

“The two common phrases I hear from myself and my clients is ‘I have to’, and ‘I should’,” says Rachel. “When someone uses these, that tells me they’re doing it for other people, or they feel like a failure based on other people’s expectations.”

“Changing the language from ‘I have to’ to ‘I choose to’ helps to create more accountability for what we’re doing.”

To drill down to the real reasons why you think you ‘have to’ do something, try asking yourself ‘why?’ five times. Do this over dinner with a friend, suggests Rachel, as it can be harder (though not impossible) to do on your own.

“New behaviours don’t become habitual for a long time – it takes ages. Studies have told us that new habits don’t replace old habits, they just create another layer – like an onion,” she says.

“When we go into times of stress, all those great habits just go to crap, and we go back to our old habits.”

In order to avoid the trappings of ‘failure’, it’s important not to banish shame from the equation. Being compassionate towards your personality traits is key to moving forward and developing new ones. Rachel likes to think of this as taking care of your mojo.

“Think about your mojo as a series of sprints,” she says. “Short sprints and breaks – being healthy all the time and doing our job all the time; it’s just not possible.”

Breaks are just as important as the sprints, she says. Take time when you need to (or when you can) to re-boot, and think of that downtime as the fuel you need to ace 2018.

“And that can be complete slob time,” she laughs.

“There are two forms of rest: one is active rest (reading and walking and doing things that give you mojo) and one is passive rest (that’s Netflix and a packet of Tim Tams). Both are good for you, but you need both.”

A series of sprints with biscuits and Netflix at the finish line? Non, je ne regrette rien.

Staff writers come from a range of backgrounds including health, wellbeing, music, tech, culture and the arts. They spend their time researching the latest data and trends in the health market to deliver up-to-date information, helping everyday Australians live healthier lives. This is general information only and is not intended as medical, health, nutritional or other advice. You should obtain professional advice from a medical or health practitioner in relation to your own personal circumstances. The information in this article is general information only and is not intended as medical, health, nutritional or other advice. You should obtain professional advice from a medical or health practitioner in relation to your own personal circumstances.

Disclaimer:
The information in this article is general information only and is not intended as financial, medical, health, nutritional, tax or other advice. It does not take into account any individual’s personal situation or needs. You should consider obtaining professional advice from a financial adviser and/or tax specialist, or medical or health practitioner, in relation to your own circumstances and before acting on this information.