The power of “sorry”

Apologies can be difficult for everyone involved, but that doesn’t make them a sign of weakness. A team effort opens the door to reconciliation.

What do we really mean when we say sorry?

It can be hard to apologise to someone we’ve wronged – especially when we’re ashamed of our actions and our victim is angry or hurt. Other times, we say sorry without really meaning it. According to a British study from 2011, the average individual apologises eight times a day: ‘sorry’ can be a method of simply getting someone else’s attention – like when you’re trying to flag down a waiter in a restaurant – or even a euphemism for ‘get out of my way’.

But if an apology is insincere, then it’s no apology at all. And without the word ‘sorry’, we have no way to repair damaged relationships or resolve conflicts, whether they’re at home, in our friendship groups, or at work. If we’re going to say sorry, we need to know how to do it properly.

Whether we’re saying sorry in our personal lives or in the professional environment, the initial goal is usually the same: to explain where we went wrong, and to demonstrate our commitment to change.

“Whenever we feel that we’ve been wronged by somebody, we look for some explanation,” says Alfred Allan, a professor of psychology at Edith Cowan University. “In psychology we talk about that as an ‘account’. One form of an account – and probably the best form of account – is actually an apology, which is me admitting that I understand that I did something that made you feel offended or hurt.”

Once we recognise that we’ve done wrong – that we owe an apology to someone – we say sorry as the first step towards conflict resolution.

“If I did something wrong, an apology is a way of showing that I’m not a bad person,” says Professor Allan. “If we’re looking at it from the victim’s point of view, the victim wants to understand the situation – they want to be rehabilitated socially, but also if it’s a relationship: ‘What’s going wrong here? Have I done something wrong, or is this person not trusting me?’ We want that information.

“Forgiveness is quite an important thing for us if we’ve been wronged, because forgiveness is really letting go of the hurt, letting go of the anger. It actually helps the victim to move on.”

When it comes to an effective apology, it’s not just the words and actions that count: the motivation is important too. “You often see apologies on television where people say, ‘I am so sorry,’ but what they’re really saying is, ‘I’m so sorry that I was caught out,’” says Professor Allan. “That’s the type of apology that people will often not accept.”

Instead, Professor Allan says a genuine apology has three components:

• The admittance of wrongdoing
• The display of emotion (“equivalent to, ‘I’m feeling sorry’”)
• The commitment to action (“that the person does something to ensure that it won’t happen again, or undertake at least to do something”)

When we find ourselves on the receiving end of an apology, we too have a responsibility to work towards repairing the relationship. This can be just as difficult as saying sorry in the first place – especially when there’s lingering anger or pain involved – but Professor Allan says it takes a team effort to achieve a resolution.

“We’ve found that people accept [apologies] in different ways, and it will often depend on the type of relationship and the intimacy and things like that. Acknowledging the apology and explaining why the apology was helpful would be useful … that in itself is really signalling to the other person. That reconnects the two people, and they focus on the issue.”

And if your apology isn’t accepted, the key is often patience and empathy.

“That’s one of the interesting things that’s come up in a lot of the research we’ve done – people say, ‘An apology is not a discrete thing, an apology is actually a process.’ Sometimes what they also say is, ‘I have to be ready to accept it.’ So people may sometimes just need a bit of time.

Whether you’re giving an apology or receiving one, sorry isn’t the end of the conversation – it’s just a starting point. The road to forgiveness can be a long and painful one, but it’s necessary for our relationships to move forward. According to Professor Allan, it’s all about one thing: reconciliation.

“Reconciliation we define as where there’s a mutual trust again, and people can actually function at the optimum level in their relationships with each other.”

Staff writers come from a range of backgrounds including health, wellbeing, music, tech, culture and the arts. They spend their time researching the latest data and trends in the health market to deliver up-to-date information, helping everyday Australians live healthier lives. This is general information only and is not intended as medical, health, nutritional or other advice. You should obtain professional advice from a medical or health practitioner in relation to your own personal circumstances. The information in this article is general information only and is not intended as medical, health, nutritional or other advice. You should obtain professional advice from a medical or health practitioner in relation to your own personal circumstances.

Disclaimer:
The information in this article is general information only and is not intended as financial, medical, health, nutritional, tax or other advice. It does not take into account any individual’s personal situation or needs. You should consider obtaining professional advice from a financial adviser and/or tax specialist, or medical or health practitioner, in relation to your own circumstances and before acting on this information.