Dr Jaime Lee: A practical guide to boosting your empathy

As a society, we’re becoming more insular. Technology, not to mention the pandemic, is creating a sense of disconnection. But at the same time, we’re also witnessing global outpourings of empathy inspire mass action and social change.

Think of the Black Lives Matter demonstrations that swept the globe in May 2020. In our backyard, remember the swell of support in the wake of the Black Summer bushfires. On a societal level, these events spurred deep empathy for strangers.

As individuals, developing our empathy skills comes with benefits – and not just for others. Empathy allows us to build trust and deeper connections. It opens our mind to new experiences and different views. In doing so, we can discover and appreciate the differences (and commonalities) we share. By proverbially walking in their shoes, we develop compassion for others – leading to deeper social trust. 

Some people are born more naturally empathetic. They have an innate ability to tap into what others are feeling. If this doesn’t describe you, don’t worry – it’s possible to learn this relational skill.

The first step is to learn how to listen truly. I like to call this ‘radical listening’, tapping into the ears of your heart to listen deeply and openly. By being fully present and radically listening, you give people the space to feel heard and seen. It’s a deep acknowledgement of the other person.

Asking questions gives insight into how other people are feeling. It’s important to do this neutrally, without judgement. That might sound something like, “I hear that you are feeling angry. I want to know, what about this situation is making you angry?” You can see the difference between this and, “Oh, you sound mad. Why would you get angry over something like this?” It’s still a question, but it carries judgement.

Mindfulness also plays a role in developing empathy. Meditation practices allow you to regulate your emotions, which helps you build awareness when strong feelings arise – it cultivates self-compassion. Through this, you can hold compassion for others. There’s this flow-on effect.

Our experiences colour the lens through which we see life; that’s a fact. When we’re trying to develop empathy, we need to acknowledge these biases and put them to the side.

For example, you may not be comfortable with intense displays of emotion. When someone is experiencing sadness and crying, we rush to hug them and say, “Oh, there, there.” But, often, it’s for our benefit – not the other person’s. We’re stopping them from truly experiencing their emotions because we are uncomfortable.

If you experience this discomfort, remind yourself that your role in this situation is to listen. As emotions arise, take note of them and then put them aside. Maintain eye contact and hold that judgement-free space for the other person. Be present and engaged.

An empathetic connection is the first step needed to take compassionate action. But at the same time, just because you’re connecting with someone doesn’t mean you necessarily need to jump into the fray.

First, you need to take stock of your own emotional state. Consider whether you can take on someone else’s request. If you decide you can, the next step is determining what level is appropriate. Sometimes the only action needed is a simple acknowledgement; “Hey, I’m here for you. We can talk whenever you want.”

If someone is distressed, ask yourself, “Am I able to connect with this person right now?” If it’s urgent, then maybe you can create the time to be fully present. If you measure your capacity and don’t have it – it’s okay to say no. State a boundary and then offer an alternative. That might sound like, “I hear you’re distressed, but I’m not available right now. Can we connect in two hours?”

Actively working on our empathy skills means we’re taking a conscious step toward finding harmony with those around us. It allows us to build deeper social connections and have new experiences. Developing further emotional intelligence and an awareness of others is something that we all could – and should – strive to achieve.

You may also be interested in:

• Alisa Camplin: How to support someone in need
• Dr. Jaime Lee: We need to talk about grief
• Cultivating our mental wellbeing

Dr. Jaime Lee is the Founder and CEO of Health Quotient, a company dedicated to transforming workplaces around the world by inspiring individual health and whole organisational renewal through leadership keynotes, workshops and mentoring. With experience as a medical doctor, public health specialist, corporate strategist, speaker and facilitator, Dr. Jaime works with global companies to help them sustain high performance teams in an integrated and healthy way.

Disclaimer:
This is general information only and is not intended as financial, medical, health, nutritional or other advice. You should obtain professional advice from a financial adviser, or medical or health practitioner in relation to your own personal circumstances.