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  • Happiness Concierge: Why learning to say 'no' is so important

    Rachel Service - 3 min read

    19 March 2018


    There's one tiny word that seems to cause major angst for a lot of us. But, seriously, why is saying 'no' so hard? Happy Concierge's Rachel Service tell us how to overcome that yes affliction.

    Rachel Service

    Think back to a time when you wished you'd said 'no'. How did it feel?

    We've all had that immediate sense of regret after saying 'yes' to something we wish we'd hadn't. And if we fall into this trap of people pleasing, it's also likely that we have a sense of guilt around saying 'no'.

    It's one of the trickiest interpersonal tools to master, but learning to say 'no' will change your life. Here's how to put yourself first by saying 'no' - without putting anyone off side.

    When you say 'no', you're saying 'yes' to you

    When we say 'no', we say 'yes' to the things that fill up our mojo tank. So why does it fill us with such dread?

    When our values and needs are neglected, it can make us feel physically ill. When we take on tasks that don't align with our values, or that benefit someone else but not ourselves, it doesn't fill us with joy. It feels as though our goodwill is taken for granted, and that can make those tasks feel like soul-sucking exercises.

    Every time you say 'no' to one thing, you're saying 'yes' to something else. 'No' means freeing up your time to engage in activities that you actually want to do.

    So, whether it's buyer's remorse or saying 'no' to a well-meaning relative or friend, here's a framework to help you say 'no' and zap the guilt.

    Step 1: Validate their request

    Prior to instant gratification becoming the norm, humans have always craved to be validated. Most times, those around us may think they are being helpful by adding things to our plate, whether it be clothes that might suit us, a recommendation for a new plant baby, or a task that they know we can do (because we never say 'no').

    Even if it's a no-go from us, validating the other person as a first step ensures they feel heard, paving the way for a 'no'.

    Here are some examples you can use to acknowledge and validate requests or suggestions when you're in a jam:

    • Thanks for the recommendation..."
    • I can see why you might think that..."
    • Ordinarily, I would..."

    Step 2: Slide a 'no' in

    Even if your inner toddler is screaming 'BUT I DON'T WANT TO!', we encourage you to resist the urge to let the cat out of the bag. The trick to saying 'no' is not making it personal. Try these more diplomatic phrases:

    • Unfortunately, I'm on a tight budget this week..."
    • As it turns out, it's not a fit for me…."
    • I already have something similar actually..."

    Step 3: Shift gears in the convo

    There will be always be some people who won't take 'no' for an answer. They might urge you, play to your expertise or even come up with creative solutions to make you say 'yes'. Shifting gears in the conversation is a gentle pivot to something you'd like to talk about, or even suggesting someone else for the task.

    Saying 'no' takes practise, so if you find yourself caught off guard with requests and recommendations, here are some examples you can keep up your sleeve to buy yourself more time:

    • Let me think on that and get back to you..."
    • Not sure, I may have something similar…."
    • Can't commit right away, let me check my schedule and loop back to you…."


    Next time you're faced with a flood of requests, trust your gut and remind yourself how valuable your time is. That way, you're less likely to hesitate when it comes to saying 'no' to something you really don't want to do.

    Make your #onechange

    For every time you say 'no', make sure you use the time you've saved to do something for yourself.

    Rachel Service author icon

    Rachel Service is the Founder of Happiness Concierge: a training company that helps people ace their work and lives. After suffering anxiety, depression and burnout in her 20s, Rachel realised her career was killing her and created Happiness Concierge to help other people have more impact at work.

    Disclaimer:
    The information in this article is general information only and is not intended as financial, medical, health, nutritional, tax or other advice. It does not take into account any individual’s personal situation or needs. You should consider obtaining professional advice from a financial adviser and/or tax specialist, or medical or health practitioner, in relation to your own circumstances and before acting on this information.


    This content is brought to you by AIA Vitality

    AIA Vitality is a science-backed program that helps you learn more about your health, offers ways to improve it and motivates you with rewards along the way.

    Contact AIA

    1800 333 613

    PO Box 6111
    Melbourne VIC 3004

    enquiries@aia.com.au

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    Contact AIA

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    PO Box 6111
    Melbourne VIC 3004

    enquiries@aia.com.au

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    Copyright © 2021. AIA Group Limited and its subsidiaries or affiliates. All rights reserved. Priority Protection and Priority Protection for Platform Investors products are issued by AIA Australia Limited (ABN 79 004 837 861, AFSL 230043). AIA Vitality, a personalised, science-backed program that supports members every day to make healthier choices, is available with eligible products issued by AIA Australia. AIA Health with AIA Vitality is issued by AIA Health Insurance Pty Ltd ABN 32 611 323 034, a registered private health insurer governed by the Private Health Insurance Act 2207, Private Health Insurance Rules 2007 and the AIA Health Insurance Pty Ltd Fund Rules. The information on this website is current as at 14 January 2021 and may be subject to change. It is general information only and is not intended in any way to be financial, legal, tax, health, medical, nutritional or other advice. You should consider your own personal circumstances and needs and view the relevant product documents, fact sheets, fund rules and terms and conditions before making a decision to acquire such products. If necessary you should obtain professional advice from a financial, tax, medical or health professional. Unless expressly stated, any views or expressions of opinion (including any video content) do not represent the opinion of AIA.
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