From lonely caterpillar to social butterfly: Five ways to beat your social anxiety

As we get older and life gets in the way, it can be harder to maintain friendships and meet new people. Our relationships play a huge role in our general happiness. Unfortunately, it’s also an area that we neglect as we prioritise other things over getting out and mingling.

According to Auckland-based psychiatrist Dr Jan Reeves, feeling shy or awkward is something that many of us experience at some point in our lives. The good news – it’s totally normal.

‘A huge majority of people suffer anxiety in social settings,’ she says.

‘Even loud, outgoing people can be anxious in unfamiliar situations. Like giving a talk or presentation in front of other people. It’s quite normal to experience a bit of anxiety. It’s when you start to avoid social situations or you turn to self-medication through drugs or alcohol that you should get some help.’

While we can’t promise that you’ll never feel anxious or awkward again, here are five practical ways you can work towards nailing it in your social life.

According to Dr Reeves, people are too caught up in their own heads to notice the anxiety levels of others.

‘The reality is that people are far more concerned with how they’re coming across in a social interaction than how you’re coming across. So if you’re feeling anxious or nervous, it’s more than likely the person you’re interacting with is feeling something similar.’

Thinking of yourself as awkward undermines your confidence. Try approaching your next conversation with a positive mindset.

A growing body of research suggests that you can change your mood simply by changing your behaviour.

One highly-publicised study by a Harvard Business School social psychologist Amy Cuddy found that adopting a powerful positive stance can actually affect your body chemistry. In short, if you fake your mood initially, you’re likely to feel a knock-on effect that will actually leave you feeling more confident.

Start small and try flashing the cashier with a smile when you’re paying for your groceries, making sure to take note of how you feel afterwards.

Social skills are like a muscle – use them or lose them. The only way your social skills are going to improve is with practice, but it’s also important to know your limits. Life coach, Kate James, says that knowing yourself and the types of social situations you enjoy can be a great place to start.

‘Understand the social settings that are a struggle for you, and the kinds you’re more likely to enjoy. Then do your best to manage your time so that you’re not overloading yourself with commitment.

‘For example, if you’re an introvert who loathes big social gatherings, you probably wouldn’t want to say yes to three parties in a weekend, because by the end of the weekend you’ll be exhausted. Instead, pick one and make it a priority,’ she explains.

Both Dr Reeves and Kate recommend preparing some conversation starters before an event so you have something to chat about if you find yourself faced with an awkward moment.

It’s also perfectly acceptable to walk up to a group of people at a party if you’re on your own and ask them if they mind if you join them.

‘People are surprisingly friendly, and it’s a simple fix for something that can seem so terrifying,’ says Kate.

Do your homework before an event – read the paper and watch the news. You’ll find it easier to ask questions and join conversations if you feel like you’ve got something to contribute.

If you’re keen to meet new people and get more involved in a hobby, consider joining a club. It might feel cliche, but think about what you like to do and what you’d like to learn. From sports teams to hiking clubs, there’s bound to be a group of like-minded people you can join.

If a trip to the dentist sounds more appealing than the thought of arriving at your first meet alone, Dr Reeves suggests reaching out to the club organisers to see if they can arrange a ‘buddy’ for you.

If social anxiety is interfering with your ability to function on a daily basis, you might like to consider seeing a therapist, who can give you more bespoke tools to overcome your nerves.