4 ways to deflect unhelpful comments

How to spot them when they come up and move past the ones that don't serve you.

We've all been on the receiving end of well meaning, but unhelpful, comments. If you're lucky, these types of comments will fall away like water off a duck's back. Sometimes, though, they can stick like glue, reverberating around your head until they land straight like a dagger to the heart.

At Happiness Concierge, we're always hearing about comments that have been said with the intention of being really constructive, yet they've left people feeling judged, misguided and awkward. From a well-meaning but passive aggressive concern ('don't you worry about what other people think?'), to a well-meaning friend extending judgement ('I don't see what you see in that person!'), to a colleague awkwardly giving us 'feedback' ('are you really an expert in that?').

Here are our four tips for deflecting unhelpful comments while taking care of yourself and letting your feelings be heard.

We all crave validation and seek to feel heard. Validation doesn't mean agreeing or approving; it is simply recognising that something has been said and moving on.

Even if you really, really, don't think it's a good idea, it doesn't add any value, or it's completely ridiculous, at the minimum, acknowledge their comment. This immediately puts the other person at ease for what you'll say next. Try something like: 'That wasn't helpful/doesn't really apply to me but thank you.'

Signal to someone with your facial expressions and your body language that you hear them, you understand what they're saying, and now you're going to respond.

Once you've validated their (super unhelpful) comment, it's time for you to get the conversation back on your terms. This provides an opportunity to take back control of the narrative and pivot the conversation towards something more useful. That might look like: 'I hear where you're coming from with this…', or 'I have a different view, I think…' or perhaps responding with, 'That's one way to go about it, yes, and I'm more interested in…'

When you know someone's unhelpful comments are well intended, it can feel a little unnatural to take a pivot in a conversation at first. Practise makes perfect, though.

Sometimes in a conversation, you have the power to turn the wrong angle into right one before an unhelpful comment escalates.

Keep an ear out for phrases that include the words 'you should', 'you have to', and 'don't you…'; it's usually a helpful red flag that it's what they'd do in your situation, and it mightn't even be applicable to you.

When this happens, you're within your remit to move the conversation in another direction. Warmly, of course, but a change of subject can be the breath of fresh air the conversation needed.

There will be times when those unhelpful comments actually hurt or offend you and you won't be able to let it slide or validate the comment's premise. It is actually possible to let that person know that they've hurt you, respectfully.

It might look a little something like this: 'That comment [repeat it back], made me feel really judged/misunderstood/ashamed. I know that wasn't your intention, but I would really like to talk about something else.'

It's rare that someone says something unhelpful for the sake of actually being rude. We all want to be helpful, in the same way we all want to be heard and valued. Flagging comments this way might feel yucky but it will feel better than if you let the conversation continue, and it can even pave the way for more mutually honest conversations in future.

Rachel Service is the Founder of Happiness Concierge: a training company that helps people ace their work and lives. After suffering anxiety, depression and burnout in her 20s, Rachel realised her career was killing her and created Happiness Concierge to help other people have more impact at work.

Disclaimer:
The information in this article is general information only and is not intended as financial, medical, health, nutritional, tax or other advice. It does not take into account any individual’s personal situation or needs. You should consider obtaining professional advice from a financial adviser and/or tax specialist, or medical or health practitioner, in relation to your own circumstances and before acting on this information.