How to get deeper with the people you love

Whether it's by email, phone, social media or face-to-face, we are communicating with others more than ever before. In fact, we're in touch with people so frequently these days, it's likely that you like me, are often communicating in a thoughtless, throw-away manner without even realising it. When we stop to think about how our communication style is received, we can proactively ensure our exchanges have a more positive impact.

Recently I had the shock realisation that I'd lost a great opportunity to strengthen the relationship with my husband because of the way I'd chosen to interact with him. It certainly wasn't deliberate. And in hindsight, I know it was simply the result of being tired and too busy.

He was struggling with a problem and wanted empathy and advice, and I was only half paying attention and changed the topic. I left him feeling de-prioritised and unsupported. I also probably came off a bit selfish in the moment. Looking back now, I realise how bonding it could've been if I was really involved in that conversation. I could have helped him, brought more teamwork to our marriage and let him know I really cared. It led me to wonder how often this was actually occurring between us - and to do something about it.

Conversations are the most common and effective way we interact with those around us. We converse with our friends, families, colleagues, neighbours and even strangers every day.

Unfortunately, it's easy to overlook the power of positively talking, and we miss a chance to improve the quality of our interactions, relationships and support structures through these exchanges.

There are multiple ways we can communicate with people. And while online options like Facebook, texting and virtual conversations do have some value, they can also draw us away from the most effective method of communicating ¬- which is face-to-face

When it comes to those face-to-face exchanges, how we respond can have a huge impact on our connections with others. Some conversation styles help those connections, while others hinder them.

Imagine someone sitting at home in front of the television, scrolling on their phone. Their partner comes home from work, walks into the room and says, "Guess what? I met with my boss today and he's putting me forward for a promotion!"

There are four ways that the person hearing this will interact or respond: active or passive, and constructive or destructive engagement.

In a quadrant, your worst response would be passive-destructive, and your best would be active-constructive. Here's why:

If you're passive-destructive, your focus is on yourself, not on the conversation or the needs of the other person. You're avoiding the connection by not engaging, and you might be dismissive with your body language.

This means you might completely ignore your partner and their promotion and say, "I'm watching the footy" or vaguely acknowledge them by saying, "What? Keep talking, I'm listening", without turning away from the TV. In short, you're demonstrating the conversation doesn't matter to you right now.

If you're active-destructive and the person says, "I've been put forward for a promotion," you might say, "Wait a minute, you're already stressed out. I never even see you. Why would you want a bigger job? Your boss is probably lying to you again just to get more work out of you." This would also be paired with negative body language, like crossed arms and a frown.

This is a response you give when you're stressed or feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. It's a reflection of yourself, not the other person. It leaves them feeling either embarrassed or resentful. This type of response doesn't just kill the conversation, but also their sense of belonging and worthwhileness, leaving the person feeling isolated and insignificant.

If you're active-destructive and the person says, "I've been put forward for a promotion," you might say, "Wait a minute, you're already stressed out. I never even see you. Why would you want a bigger job? Your boss is probably lying to you again just to get more work out of you." This would also be paired with negative body language, like crossed arms and a frown.

This is a response you give when you're stressed or feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. It's a reflection of yourself, not the other person. It leaves them feeling either embarrassed or resentful. This type of response doesn't just kill the conversation, but also their sense of belonging and worthwhileness, leaving the person feeling isolated and insignificant.

This is the style of communication that helps us deepen our relationships. When you're actively and constructively engaging with news, you turn your full body to face the person and offer an enthusiastic physical and emotional level of support:

"How exciting! I know how much you hoped this job would come your way. It's going to lead to bigger things. I want to hear exactly what the new role will be. This is wonderful!"

By engaging this way, you're celebrating and validating their achievement, but also their sense of self and belonging. It shows you value the other person, and it's important to have these types of conversations on a regular basis. It might not be achievable for every interaction, but it's certainly what we should be aiming for in the way we engage with those around us, particularly our loved ones.

A former world champion aerial skier, Alisa Camplin made sporting history in 2002 as the first ever Australian woman to win gold at the Winter Olympics. After 18 years as a global corporate executive, Alisa now juggles a mix of sport, business, consulting, charity and governance roles. No stranger to physical and emotional trials, Alisa runs Resilience and High Performance programs to assist others in achieving their full potential. Awarded the prestigious Order of Australia medal, Alisa is passionate about mental wellbeing and helping people thrive. The information in this article is general information only and is not intended as financial, medical, health, nutritional or other advice. You should obtain professional advice from a financial adviser or medical or health practitioner in relation to your own personal circumstances.